Spork or Foon?

May Your Christmas Be Filled With Cookies...

 

Unlike my Christmas, because my parent's dog ate all of the cookies you see above about an hour before my family arrived.

 

He may look all innocent and disinterested, but don't let those looks fool you.  He is a lean, mean, cookie machine.  And a crumb snatcher.  This is not the first Christmas DeNiro has helped himself to the Christmas goodies.

In addition to that, I also burned a major component of dinner.  It reminded me of the National Lampoon's Christmas vacation Christmas dinner where they munched on a turkey that spontaneously combusted and green jello studded with cat food.

I wish you all happy holidays, Merry Christmas filled with love, family and friends.  And if you have any cookies, please send me some.

Remy would have never done that. 

 

TWD: The Ugliest Sables in All the Land

Sables.  Why must they torment me so?

They are little medallions of pure cookie bliss.  When made correctly, they appear to be oh-so-beautiful and dainty.

So, why, oh why, after chilling in the freezer for 2 days, do they come out looking like this?

I know that many a-food blogger will comment on a less-than picture perfect dish and say "Well, it's not winning any beauty contests."  But mine go above and beyond not winning beauty contests.

You know the treasured community chest card in Monopoly that reads: "You just won second place a beauty pageant! Collect $20"? When you pull this card, you first joke around and talk about how pretty you are (you don't do that? Is it just me?) and then curse the person who beat you out. Then you wonder what kind of cheap-ass beauty pageant only awards $20?

Well, if there was a card that says, "You just got hit with the ugly stick!  You owe the hospital $200.", these cookies would be sure to pull that card.

Sure, I could have prettied it up with sprinkles and decorations, but I have been doing this and frankly was not in the mood. Yes, I burned the edges. And please, if you leave a comment saying "They look good to me!", I'll know that you are just being nice and you don't really mean it. But I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.

But they do taste good. Minus the ugly looks, they are perfectly buttery, with a slightly sandy texture that is a pleasure to eat.  I was sure to work with an even hand and not to overwork the delicate dough.  I rolled my logs using a Chopin piano pieces book, hoping that his grace would rub off on my cookies. But alas, I was left with strange shaped, burned cookies.  Deliciously, oddly shaped, burned cookies.

Check out Barbara of Bungalow Barbara for the recipe and check out the rest of TWD for some 1st place winners in the beauty pageants. I'd award them $100. Because I'm nice like that. And I'm the banker. 

Late TWD: Parisian Apple Tartlet

Here it is. Finally.  My Parisian Apple Tartlet.

The suspense is over. You can all breathe a sigh of relief now.  And then grab a tissue for my sob story.

I had such big plans for this one. Jessican of My Baking Heart chose Dorie's Parisian Apple Tartlet (click for recipe). I was going to "tempura" the apple slices and serve this with a dipping sauce.  But my plans got derailed.  And I am going to tell you why.

This Tuesday, we had our friends Chelsea and Chris over for our weekly dinner party.  As usual, they brought their adorable son, Kip, and this time, we had a special guest - Chelsea's sister.  So I wanted to make a big meal - something fun, different, summery... you get the point.

Well, it was a disaster.  Problem one: I bit off more than I could chew.  I decided to make an appetizer, an entree, and two desserts, all of which needed the oven.  I had two hours to cook. Problem 2: I was experimenting with a cuisine I am not all too familiar with - Southern.  Problem 3:  I wanted to make David Lebovitz's Salted Butter Caramel Ice Cream to go with Dorie's apple tartlet.  I forgot to freeze my ice cream canister.

Disaster all around.

The biggest disappointment?  I wasn't crazy about this tart.  This was the one thing I was holding out for.  But to me, it was kind of plain.  So I obviously did something wrong, because everyone else loved it.  And it couldn't have been any easier. Cut apples. Place apples on puff pastry. Add butter (of course). Add sugar. Bake. 

HELLO!?!?  What is wrong with me?

I did end up making the ice cream the next day and paired it with another pastry and I will say, it was MUCH better.  But this ice cream would make even brussel sprouts better.

Later, I read a quote from Top Chef Winner Hosea in July's issue of Food & Wine magazine:   A dinner party is not the time for experimentation.  Cook what you know.

Thanks.

I think I need to go back into my pantry closet.

Check out TWD for more of this tart done the right way!

TWD: Choose Your Own Adventure - Chocolate Cream Tart

I don't know why, but life hated me at around 4 pm on Sunday afternoon.

The day started off wonderfully.  Kind of. My point and click camera died one long, horrible death due to a fall (aka, I dropped it with the lens zoomed out. Twice) about two weeks ago that has slowly killed it, so I got a new DSLR camera.  I was like the kid from A Christmas Story (the one who is now a porn star) getting his BB Gun on Christmas morning. I was just shooting away at things (safely, in this situation), squealing in delight.  Jack complained that I was taking too many pictures and the flash was distracting him while he tried to study.  I told him about the plight of celebrities.  "How do you think they feel with cameras in their faces all day?" I challenged.  "Pay me $20 million dollars to work for four months out of the year and you can flash all you want." he retorted.

Touche`.

Excited to have more reasons to take photos, I jumped at the chance to make this tart.  I will admit, though, before the new camera, I did not want to make it.  I am dessert-ed out.  The summer is coming. I have been working out like crazy, only to pull a muscle in my calf and hurt my knee, so I have not been able to work out in days.  As my friends on Twitter know, this is killing me.  So the last thing I want is chocolate on top of chocolate. 

Well, actually it is the first thing I want, but I can't have because I can't workout.

Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books?  The books where you read a story and you chose the outcome? Like, you could go hiking on a river by turning to page 43 or you could hijack a pirate ship by turning to page 71 and ither way some horrible fate awaits you (who wrote these books)?

That was my life on Sunday.

Regardless, I decided to go for it.  Here is my story.

Kim of Scrumptious Photography chose Dorie's Chocolate Cream Tart (click for recipe).  Do you:  decide not to make it because you don't want to be tempted to eat it (turn to page 2)?

Page 2:  Everyone from Tuesdays with Dorie hates you. You are kicked out of the group.  The end.

Or do you decide to make it, but in order not to have a dessert, you quarter the recipe (turn to page 3).

Page 3:  You quarter the recipe.  The chocolate cream is delicious, but tastes just like chocolate pudding.  You are confused.  Do you stop while you are ahead (turn to page 4)?

Page 4:  You didn't finish the recipe.  Everyone from Tuesdays with Dorie hates you.  You are kicked out of the group.  The end.

Or do you decide to move ahead and make the chocolate tart crust (turn to page 5)?

Page 5:  Don't you know you can't quarter this recipe successfully?  The tart shell never comes together. You add water and it comes out gummy and gross.  Do you throw it in the garbage and just eat the pudding (turn to page 6)?

Page 6: You didn't finish the recipe.  Everyone from Tuesdays with Dorie hates you.  You are kicked out of the group.  The end.

Or do you forge ahead, further trying to complicate the recipe and your life (turn to page 7)?

Page 7:  To try to do something different, you macerate strawberries with some alcohol and make a chocolate chantilly cream.  In your first attempt at making the cream, you over-whip the cream and it coagulates and somehow half of it has the consistency of butter and half of it has somehow not whipped at all and is a milky mess.  You try again with better results, but then drop the bowl of whipped cream off of the counter and onto the floor and spill it everywhere.  You try again. You temper some chocolate for  chocolate disks to top the dessert.  You assemble the dessert and top it with the chocolate disks that are rapidly melting due to the 90+ degree weather which has been bestowed upon you in April due to global warming. You take photos as the sun is setting rapidly, knowing that this was not how you wanted it. 

Do you take a bite of the dessert, hoping all of the components will work together (turn to page 8)?

Page 8: BLECH! This is horrible! The tart shell is rubbery.  The chocolate cream is hidden by your awful tart shell and too much whipped cream.  The chocolate disk has melted. You are a horrible baker! You should go hide in a pantry closet and never come out.  The end.

Or do you throw in the towel and just throw away the dessert (page 9)?

Page 9:  You are still a horrible baker.  You should go hide in a pantry closet and never come out.  The end.

However, the other people in this group LOVED this dessert, so don't let this discourage you (because it really is supposed to be amazing) and take your own adventure over to TWD's page and check out how it REALLY should be done.

I'll just be in my pantry closet.

Macarons - EPIC FAIL

I feel that it is important to not only share my successes on this blog, but my failures as well.  We all have our mishaps in the kitchen, some worse than others.

Well, my friends, this may rank up there with my worst kitchen failure to date.

I was so excited to make macarons. I know how difficult these classic french desserts are, so I did research for weeks.  I learned all of the tricks - age the egg whites, trace the circles on the parchment paper, rap the pan on the countertop, let the meringue sit for an hour before baking it.  I had it down. 

What I never seem to get correct is what a "glossy meringue" is.  I need pictures!  Don't whip the meringue more than 50 times? Whaaaa?  Rules, rules, rules!

Despite my confusion, I thought I was good to go. I decided to make Chai Spice Macarons and Chocolate Macarons.  Into the oven they went as gorgeous little circles piped onto parchment...

.... and out they came as monsterous blobs with cracked tops.

But I did find some silver lining on this grey, murky cloud.

I did achieve the elusive "feet" that everyone talks about to as proof of a correct macaron!

So who cares if they look like the creature from the black lagoon? I have FEET, people!

Let's not even talk about the filling.  It was a watery pool of glop.

And you know what?  They were delicious.  Especially the chai spice macarons. 

I will try and try again. Right now, I may see an epic fail, but in the future, I'm coming for YOU, Pierre Herme!

Click here for a step by step directive by Helen of Tartlette on how to make Macarons - and don't follow my way or else you will FAIL!

TWD: "Eat it, it's good for you. It'll stick to your bones!"

Oatmeal. Muesli. Rice Pudding. What do these three have in common? 

They all have the consistency of vomit.

And I, my friends, do not like to willingly eat vomit.

When I saw that Isabelle from Les gourmandises d'Isa chose rice pudding, I threw up in my mouth a little.  I immediately harkened back to the things my mother would say in the days when she would not let me get up from the table until I finished my food. It could have been boiled carrots, potatoes au gratin (from the box), or Velveeta Shells and Cheese (all of which, I detest with a passion), but mostly it was oatmeal. Thick and sludgy, I often wanted to take the oatmeal and fix any patches in the wall because it looked like it had a better purpose being a caulking agent rather than something that you should find nourishment in. 

"It will stick to your bones!" she would say.

What does that even mean? Me, being the wiseass that I was at the ripe old age of seven, would impart my newly learned knowledge of where food goes when it is eaten.

"Food goes into your stomach and then is processed in your intestines! To stick to your bones, it would have to leave your digestive tract!"

Wiseass.

I hoped that Dorie could transform my thoughts on this dish, just as she did with fruit dessert. But, alas, nothing could get me to like the dreaded rice pudding. *Shudder*

I made a vanilla and almond rice pudding (almond extract) and chocolate and coconut rice pudding (coconut extract). The flavor combinations were interesting, but I couldn't get past the rice niblets. 

But, people all over the world enjoy this dish, so maybe I'm the only one who doesn't enjoy eating vomit. 

Check out TWD for more rice pudding!

TWD: True Life: I'm the World's Worst Shiksa

I really thought nothing would look worse than the werewolf.

I am a Catholic girl of Italian and Trinidadian descent who hails from Franklin Square, NY (Long Island). My boyfriend is a good Jewish boy from Short Hills, NJ.  He is obsessed with anything Italian and for the first few years of our relationship, insisted that I teach him how to speak Italian by helping him read Harry Potter in Italian and translating it into English. Sounds like fun, no? It wasn't. BUT we did live in Rome for a few months and that was fun.

I myself have tried to learn about the Jewish traditions. I am from Long Island. I went to Syracuse University.  I was in a sorority that was founded by 7 Jewish women (Sigma Delta Tau). I can recite the prayer for wine by heart, and often do it at religious dinners like a one-trick pony. Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech haolam borei p'ri ha gafen.

I even learned how to make a sick pumpkin challah bread (or, as my college roommates and I like to say, "CHALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" (like "Holla!")). I was totally initiated.

Well, I've just lost my card. I've been kicked out of the shiksa club for this horrible attempt at Rugelach, a jewish pastry, chosen by Piggy of Piggy's Cooking Journal. You know what? I've actually been kicked out of the Manhattanite Club, the Long Islander Club AND the Shiksa Club.  

I was so psyched for this. I decided to make caramel apple pie rugelach. I diced up a pink lady apple, added a dash of cinnamon here, a pinch of nutmeg there. I whipped up some of Dorie's fabulous caramel sauce from the not-so-fabulous carmel topped peanut brownie cake. I sprinkled it with walnuts. My dough came together beautifully (I'm getting really good with dough. Thanks, TWD!).

Now it was time to roll it up. I stared at this thing for ten minutes. I envisioned the path in which I would roll this dough. I just couldn't see it. So I went for it. And this is what happened. 

As Kyle's Mom would say (from South Park) Wha- Wha- Whaaaaat?!?!?

If I had more time, I would make it again. But alas, here I sit at 11 pm on Monday night, totally not in the mood to make more rugelach. But let me tell you this. These tasted AWESOME. Crappy looks or not, it all looks the same in my belly.

Parents. Let me do you a little favor. If you ever want to show your children the repercussions of procrastination, please show them this:

Or this:

Or worse, this:

That should scare them right into their homework and chores.

Hopefully, the rest of the TWDer's faired better than I. Check them out! And then go VOTE!

Oh, and for those who read my Chucky pumpkin carving post (scroll down 1 post), I won the contest!!!  It makes me feel like I haven't lost all artistic ability! 

TWD: Dragons and the Female Anatomy

This is supposed to be a werewolf!

This week, Clara at I <3 Food For Thought gave us a fun Halloween pick, Chocolate Chocolate Cupcakes, which we were free to decorate as we pleased. I just bough Hello! Cupcake and thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to make these awesome little werewolves.

However, I am impatient and didn't want to buy Fruit by the Foot for the tongue, didn't feel like making my own pastry bag with a ziplock bag and 359 layers of scotch tape, and waited until the last minute to make these. 

Therefore, my cupcake looked like a dragon with boobs.

Also, my CRAPPY camera makes it look like I glossed these over with some type of gunk (gunk!). 

You need to check out Clara's page. She's got a cute little setting with a variety of Halloween characters. I know if I weren't so hasty, my cupcakes would have looked nice and pretty. This icing was a bit too soft to ice according to the directions in Hello Cupcake (they just have you take store bought icing - in the words of Cher Horowitz: "AS IF!" - and pipe it onto the cupcake) so I can understand why it flopped. But it still looks like a dragon with boobs.

As for the cupcake, I'm not sure how I felt about it.   I shortened the baking time, and they were very light and fluffy. But I will forever compare chocolate cupcakes with Magnolia Bakery, because there is this really strong cocoa flavor to their cupcakes that is just to die for.  Dorie's were pretty good, but I don't think it will be my go-to cupcake recipe.  Plus, this cupcake really can't compare to that of Georgetown Cupcake (DC) or Magnolia Bakery (NYC). What are their secrets?!

OK, seriously, I can't get over this. It looks like some rabid chihuahua that is frothing at the mouth because it is choking on an M & M. Ugh. Patience is truly a virtue, no?

Check out TWD for some more delicious cupcakes!

TWD: Summer Fruit @*&!$#%^

This is the third time I have typed this post. Everytime I try to save it or publish it, Typepad deletes my text. I am cursing up a storm inside my head.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Michelle from Colorado Springs chose a Summer Fruit Galette. We are going to take a little trip inside my head for this one.

Don't be scared.

Saturday, July 26th- 2 pm

Hey! I am not going to wait until last minute to do this!  I'm going to Harris Teeter now and baking tonight! I want to make a trio of galettes! A trio, I say!

Head to the produce section. Brown Sugar Strawberries for $2.00 a pint?? I'm in!  Kumquats... I've always wanted to work with kumquats. Candied kumquat galette, maybe? I think those are not in season... maybe a winter fruit galette? No, no, no.  Rambutans? No... still scary. Mangosteens! $10 a pint?!?! Not so much. Oooh! Look at those interesting hybrid fruits!  Plumicot! Dragon Plum (this is seriously the most delicious fruit ever. If you can find one, try it. It is so sweet and juicy and delicious). Some crazy peach that looks like it has the face of a bulldog! I'll try it!  Nectarine. Eh.. kind of boring, but it fits. MANGOS! YUM! KIWIS! The most delicious kiwi I have ever had! (when I tried it later. Seriously, I can still taste it.) Pineapple!  Tropical fruit galette! Where is the coconut milk?

Here was the gameplan. 

• Summer Crazy Stone Fruit Galette with Apricot Preserves with Custard
• Summer Tropical Fruit Galette with Apricot Preserves and Coconut Custard
• Summer Strawberry Galette with drizzled Nutella and Powdered Sugar (I love Nutella)

Saturday, July 26th, 6 pm

Breathe. Make the dough. Don't be too heavy handed. Don't press pulse for too long! Patience! Hey, this dough is the best I have ever made! Not wet like usual! Freeze. Take out of the freezer, beat with rolling pin. Ahhh, this feels good.  Roll it out! ARGH! Too soft. Freeze again. Take it out. Roll it out 7*(#@! Too hot in this kitchen! Freeze it again. Roll it out. I don't care anymore. Fill it up. This is going to be so good! I'm going to make some bite sized galettes to eat!  It's my cheat day! I worked out for a long time today! I can't wait to eat this.  Sprinkle with sugar. Sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle. Put it in the oven. Smells so good! 

Beep, beep! It's ready!

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY???? Why do you look all melty? I had such a vision! I still have to taste... What's this? Looks grotesque... but tastes delicious?  How can that be? I'll eat it!

Sigh. Try again.

Monday, July 28th- 9 pm

This is more like it. Last minute.  Make the dough. WHY SO WET?!?! Sigh. Freeze it up.  (Read above for the SAME EXACT EXPERIENCE IN ROLLING IT OUT!)

Make some cookies for Susan of Doughmesstic and her great idea to put our baking skills to good use and send some sweets to the troops!  Check out Operation Baking GALS! 

Hey! These cookies look great! Maybe I'm in the zone. Maybe this galette will come out well!  Put it in the oven and....

%%*^(*!#@#?!?@!

Maybe next time.

Check out TWD for some REAL galettes!

Memorial Day Barbecue. On the Stove.

I love living in an apartment.  I love knowing that a lot of people are around me.  I love the noise and the proverbial "Hubbub" of people buzzing around. I'd probably live in a condo over a large house any day.  Unless it's a townhouse or a brownstone in Manhattan or Williamsburg, but that is neither here nor there.  I'll think about that when I can afford a $20 million dollar mortgage. Well, maybe $5 million in Williamsburg.  A bit more doable.

Sometimes, however, you miss out on things when you live in an apartment community.  Like the ability to have a backyard and with it, a barbecue grill.  There is a community grill in our courtyard by the pool (another thing that you don't get in Manhattan unless you are spending $5000 on a one bedroom), but I refuse to use it. Refuse! Who knows what has been on that grill?

But there is a wonderful invention for the stove: the reversible grill/griddle. Sure, it smokes your kitchen to the point where you can't see what you are cooking and it stains your stove top with grease that drips over the side, but hey, you're renting!  Once you choose not to re-sign your lease, it's the landlord's problem! (For all future landlords, I'm totally kidding. I clean it up.  Please don't reject me from renting your apartment just because of harmless snark.)

Yesterday, I whipped out my handy grill/griddle and prepared for our memorial day feast.  A few friends were coming by, and I hit up Harris Teeter (best. supermarket. ever.) for some food.  My boyfriend and I prepped for a few hours.  We (I) created a fantastic menu: 

Hamburgers with a remoulade made of cornichons, capers, parsley, mustard, and mayonnaise

Grilled chicken with a balsamic barbecue sauce and Tropical Fruit Chutney

Shrimp and Avocado Salad with an Mango Dressing

(Recipes to follow)

Our friends show up, and as we are enjoying some sangria on the balcony, I head in the kitchen to "fire up the grill" (aka- turn on the burners and wait for the griddle to heat up).  I place the burgers on the grill (don't press down or you'll get dry burgers!) and grill away. I notice a pool of grease starting to fill the little grill crevices, but think nothing of it.  It's getting smoky, but I'm used to that. A flame momentarily flickers out over the side of the grill- nothing different. I smack furiously with my spatula.  But it fights back and pops up again. Again, I smack it away. Smack, smack, smack! Next thing I know: POOF!  Half of my grill is on fire.

On. Fire.

It's funny what runs through your head when you have a slight kitchen fire.  Thought number one. "Oh, Sh*t". Thought number two: "Water!"  Thought number 3: "NO!" 

I look around me and grab a pan to cover the flame. Quick thinking!  I looked at my guests out on the balcony through a haze of smoke and told them about their newly flambeed hamburgers. Oddly enough, only one hamburger suffered any damage- the one that I beat to a pulp with my spatula to get the flame out originally.  That poor, crumbled, charred burger never knew what was coming.

But the burgers were perfect.  Char grilled on the outside, super juicy on the inside.  Pretty much a success. I'd use that technique more often if I didn't care about my personal possessions or the 500 other apartments in my community.